Updated: Sep 29
Presence, presence, presence.
This one I open up. Go deep. If this triggers you, I hope I can help you through it as well. And, I love you.
Sitting with my greatest wish, full presence, from me, and all the people I love and choose to surround me, i started to think, where does this stem from? When did i first feel that i wasnt getting this full presence? Why does the initial voice within telling me that I don't deserve it, that it won't be achieved? Why do I have such strong feelings now against any intoxicant?
When I was a young girl, there was a lot of partying around. What seemed like normal weekend(sometimes weeknight) parties, with friends, family, games, cookouts, and beer.. is now what I realize to be the root of some internal struggles I have dealt with over my life. Though this sounds like a fun time, there is a lot of , well, disassociation that comes with alcohol consumption. Often times I felt the proper attention I was seeking, was not what was received.
And here is where the voice within has told me I am unworthy of true presence.
I am not here to blame, really to accept the past for what it is and how it has shaped me. To accept the people for where they were in the moment and where they are now. Fore without these times to shape me, I would not be who I am today.
The truth of life can be hard to face, and to be frank, many of us have been shaped to be completely different than how our soul actually wants to come through. We have buried our true selves under society pleasing and people pleasing layers.. these layers really don't serve us.. or anyone else for that matter.
I have come to realize that this presence must first truly come from within ourselves. To be able to listen to the voice within that guides us honestly, over the one that puts us down.
When we learn to give ourselves the time, space, and attention that we seek from others, from our phones, from our addictions, we then become available to recieving the same energy from the external places we may have originally been seeking it from.
To fill your own cup first and foremost, you can then be a mirror to others, a guide to what a full cup looks, and feels like.
Then when you do choose to pour from your cup, you know what it is to be full, and you can allow others the opportunity then to pour into your cup as well.
The well from which we fill is infinite, like the well, it takes some energy to pump it from the depths.
When we focus our energy on ourselves in this way, we heal ourselves, and we can heal ourselves from any ailment.
The depths hold great truth, wisdom, and knowledge. So often we are afraid to bring these things from the depths due to grief, fear, sorrow, anger, resentment, and other feelings that don't feel good.
When we choose to allow them to surface, and choose to be present with them. To sit with these moments, we can see where and why they have happened for us. For our growth, for the unlocking of truths.
These moments live in a cave within us, and each time you can crack into why something has happened, or where it has halted your growth, or caused that voice within to tell you lies (that were once there to protect you), you start to let the light in from the crack in the cave.
You start to find your way out of your darkness, your shell that has offered you protection while you needed it. While that story served you.
It no longer serves you. You are a shiny beam of light, and none of these things from your past can hurt you.
When you know you have your back, nothing can stop you. Because when. You ha e your back in this way, it is in a deep love for yourself. A love that comes from within.
A love we all share.
A love from something greater than us.
Call that great love what you'd like. God, the universe, great spirit, etc. Love is the key.
Because what were really doing when we do this work, is unlocking our radiant hearts.
So even though it took many years, and pain of feeling like I wasn't receiving the attention I would have liked, even as a child... And also receiving the complete opposite attention... I can now see the purpose... In all that I have experienced.
I see that it was really guiding me to finding this true presence, and love.
Through disconnection with my soul, through the use of alcohol, and pot, and other mind altering substances, I now see that the whole time i was seeking some kind of acceptance from others.
When really all I had to do was accept myself 100% for who I am.
As God created me.
We are truly created perfect.
I love each and every one of you. I love you for where you are on your journey, i love you for who you are along the way, and i love your pure essence that shines from within.
Thank you for being.