Last night in my dream, there was a lot going on, at one point though I had to prove to someone, I was pregnant. I proved it by showing them. Kinda graphic, I showed them by looking into the opening of my vagina, in there we all saw the start of a baby, and they let me go because of it. I don't remember why they were trying to hold me up, though being pregnant set me free.
Listening to what it is telling me, precisely that, being pregnant will set me free, fully standing my ground, in my integrity. I feel I may be holding myself back from holding space for other women in the home birth realm, because I haven't experienced it. I have always been a better teacher once I experience, whatever it is I have to teach, for myself. I feel then I can come from a place of true knowing. Though I have learned so much, and very well can support a couple through birth, it offers me more comfort to know what the woman will be going through. I know not all people have to experience things themselves to teach, it just works best for me.
I feel this is why the rebirth doula has really been calling to me. I have been on a transformational journey, back to my own center, practicing now for a while. I feel I have overcome many obstacles, and though they are never easy, I seem to be able to overcome new obstacles without fear, and do it in less time. I know nothing is too big to face. When it comes up it is now easier for me to look at what the lesson is that is coming up, rather than to let it linger. These are the things I really in joy guiding others to be able to do. It's teaching to seek the answers within. I am just guiding each individual that chooses to find me as a guide to follow their own heart, and to clear the gunk and distraction, so then that listening to the heart comes with ease. This is the true rebirth.
Our society has pushed us to be very distracted and disassociated from who we really are. This starts from the time we are in our mothers womb, we pick up on all she goes through, how she acts and reacts, and then we wonder why we end up going through similar things that our parents did, or having similar stresses. We mirror our parents actions and reactions. Then, when we are born, often times there are traumatic things that go on, especially when born in the hospital. We go from being in our safe, dark place, with the sounds of our mother around us... To bright lights, lots of people touching us, sounds, smells, and often time we are taken directly away from our mothers, or even poked and prodded on her chest. Especially in the first hour or two, the baby remembers EVERYTHING this is now the basis of our programming. All of our actions and reactions can be stemmed back to these spaces.
I have done trauma work for so long, trying to find the root of why I act certain ways. Until I sat with these spaces, being in my mother's womb and being born. I found the true root to so many of the 'problems' I had been seeking the root of. Once really connecting this, I was able to really release these traumas. Things I had thought I had healed, that would come back and I would find a memory further back that connected are now an issue of the past. I can see the truth to why I act and react certain ways. Love myself for the way I have been because I was programmed this way, and then shift to how I choose to be. This is powerful work.
When a way you act or react makes you uncomfortable, and feel icky, know you can change this situation. It takes self reflection and work, I promise you it is worth it. You will be grateful to see that you don't have to be this way. There is accepting to be done, of yourself, your parents, ancestors, people in general. And I know you can do it. Why? Because I did. I am no more special than you.